My Mindfulness

I began my practice of mindfulness believing this beautiful journey would gift me eternal happiness & contentment. Instill within me a wisdom, a knowingness to answer all of life’s challenges. I would finally be whole. Be seen. My voice deeply heard and respected.

In this moment sharing with you, I do not feel content. I do not feel at peace. I do not feel seen or heard. I cannot answer questions to all of life’s challenges. I am in the shadows of darkness where respect is unseen.

I am here feeling wounded and vulnerable. I am here filled with sadness. I am here feeling more confused.

My identities and images of self that I held onto for so long, no longer feel true. I do not find comfort in them. My foundation is crumbling, fading away into non-existence.

I cannot pretend to BE any longer.

I am changing.

Seeing differently.

Feeling like I have never felt before.

My soul is raw, lost in an emptiness.

My breath holds me down like an anchor.

I do not know who I am.

What am I supposed to do?

Aah…

Let go.

Let go of self.

Let go of expectations.

Let go of all that is not my True Nature.

I feel a sadness and fear as I let go.

My heart gently whispers to me… “I am with you.”

As I take refuge in my heart, the warmth of loving kindness and self- compassion flows through me like a beautiful ocean wave. I am seeing myself for the first time with all my wounds and my joy.

My long-time companion, Judgment, tells me “I cannot continue this journey with you anymore.”

I exhale and let go.

For some reason, I do not feel abandoned.

In this moment, that is the only way I can exist.

Not chained to the past or lost in the future.

I am here with you.

Pausing together.

Embracing each other’s existence.

Bearing witness to each other’s suffering without judgment and with compassion.

To just exist in the moment.